Dear Amanda, by Steve Martin

The following is a piece written by the great comedian, actor, playwright, etc., Steve Martin. It originally appeared in The New Yorker and was later included in his book Pure Drivel, published in 1998 (Hyperion). Self-conscious humor at it's finest!


DEAR AMANDA,

I think we have made the right decision. Thank you for your love these past five months. I want you to know that our time together will live inside me in a special place in my heart. It is best if we do not phone or write.

Love always,
JOEY




DEAR AMANDA,

I dialed you last night because the Lucy "pie" episode was on and I know you'd want to see it. Anyway, while I was leaving a message I accidentally punched in your message-retrieval code. Sorry about that. Who's Francisco? Just curious.

JOEY




DEAR AMANDA,

I realized that I still have your set of Japanese sake cups that I bought for you on our trip downtown and was wondering when might be a good time to drop them by. You can give me a call at the usual number, or maybe at the office before seven, but then try the car, or I'm usually home now by seven-forty-five. I would like to get these back to you, as I know you must be thinking about them. This will be my last letter.

Regards,
JOEY




DEAR AMANDA,

It was a lucky coincidence that my cat leaped on your speed-dial button last night, as it gave us a chance to talk again. Afterward, I was wondering what you meant when you said, "It's over, Joey. Get it into your head." So many interpretations. Oh, I found myself on your street last night and noticed a yellow Mustang that I don't remember ever seeing at your apartment complex. Does this belong to the mysterious Francisco I've heard rumors about? I left one of the sake cups at your front door; it happened to be in my car.

With respect,
JOEY




DEAR AMANDA,

This will be the last letter I write you. I hate to hurt you like this, but I'm seeing someone new. You'd like her. But please do not call Marisa at the Kings Kafe where she waitresses from noon to eight. Incidentally, I heard that Francisco had or is having a tax problem. Should I meet with him? I'm over it all now and would be glad to help. Also, a word of warning: Latins. One woman is never enough.

JOEY

P.S. Do you have my red Pentel pen? I really need it. Page me when you get this.




DEAR AMANDA,

Guess what. I got a weekend job washing windows at your apartment building! The guys in legal think I'm nuts, but it's something I've always enjoyed doing. Remember how I used to love to do the windshield even at the full-service pump? Just wanted to warn you, as I will probably be wearing your favorite outfit of mine: the tan pants, my blue Gap shirt, and my foam "Go Gators" hat. It's so easy to start things back up again, and I wouldn't want to think it was because of my newly acquired stomach ripples. By the way, there's someone named Francisco trying to pick up girls on the Internet. Hmm. I wonder.

J.




DEAR AMANDA,

This will be the last letter I write to you. I'm quite upset that you changed your phone without a forwarding number. There could be an emergency, and I'm still in possession of those fancy upholstered hangers of yours. Marisa questioned them the other day and it wasn't fun. They're probably too dear to you for me to throw them out, as we bought them together at the swap meet the day your mother raved about me, telling you I was "pleasant." Please come by and pick them up; they're seriously damaging my relationship. A good time would be any Wednesday after five but not after seven. Fridays all day except lunch, Monday is good, and the weekend, anytime. Also Tuesday.

JOEY




DEAR AMANDA,

Valentine's Day is tomorrow and I hope you don't mind my throwing this note through your window, as the post would be too slow. The rock it's tied to came from our desert trip! I'm wondering if you'd like to get together for a quick lunch on the fourteenth? I need to get my letters back from you, and could you bring this one, too? I'll meet you at Wavy Dave's, at our old table. I'll be bringing the hangers, and I also want you to have the small photo of me nude skydiving. I don't think I can handle all the sake cups but I could certainly bring a few. You can even bring Francisco if you want; maybe I could help him sort out his heavy urology bills. Can you let me know soon? I'm waiting outside on the lawn.

This will be the last letter I write to you.

Love you always,
JOEY

When I laughed during a very sad song.

I remember in the late '90s when Jewel's song "Foolish Games" was popular, and they'd play it over and over on the radio, we'd be in my dad's car and that line would come on: "You were always brilliant in the morning, smoking your cigarettes...", and my dad would say, "well that's not brilliant at all".

NYC!

St. Patrick's Cathedral is located between 50th and 51st Streets on 5th Avenue in New York City. It is the eleventh largest cathedral in the world, and it took 21 years to build! Also they say that the Cathedral was "on the outskirts of town" when it opened (1879).

Look at the boundaries of "town" now:

Pickled Peppers

Here is yesterday's harvest!

Pickled banana peppers:
You will need:

• 2 1/2 cups cider vinegar
• 1 1/4 cups sugar
• 5 half-pint canning jars, lids, rings
• Sweet banana peppers, cleaned and sliced into rings (roughly 2.5 larger banana peppers per jar).
• Tongs and other utensils

Sterilize jars and lids in boiling water for 10 minutes. Place pepper rings in bowl and pour boiling water over them; cover them and set aside for 10 minutes. Drain hot water from peppers. Transfer pepper rings to cool bowl; pour ice water over them and set aside for 10 minutes. Combine vinegar and sugar, boil for 2-3 minutes, stirring a lot. Drain pepper rings and put them in jars. Pour vinegar-sugar mix into each jar, leaving 1/2 inch head space. Place lids on jars and tighten down. Boil jars in water bath for 10 minutes. Remove jars and allow to cool - lids will "POP!" and they're pickled!

If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, he picked roughly 8 quarts (16 pints) of pickled peppers, I think. This recipe makes around 2.5 pints.

Reading, Walking, Arithmetic

I’m a freak. I like to walk and read (simultaneously). I did this a lot in college, walking to and from class. And I’ve recently been at it again. To me, it’s a great way to combine two activities for which it can be very difficult to make time - leisure reading and exercise. People ask me about it all the time, and they can’t get over the fact that I’m “so coordinated”. I can tell some people want me to stop doing it. They really can’t stand it that I read and walk at the same time, and they don’t like it when I do it. I’ve had some close calls (dogs, parked cars, low-hanging tree limbs), but it’s my thing; get over it. When I hurt myself doing it, I’ll let you know and we’ll both have a laugh. Shoot, it can't be any worse than texting and walking. Or, better yet - texting and driving! I found this picture in another blog on the topic.

I am reading Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire.

Work.

Step into my office.

Roses Are Red....and pink, and orange, and yellow, and purple, and white.

At the end of Bolin Creek Trail, there is a community park and a rose garden! The Gene Strowd Community Rose Garden contains 350+ rose bushes of 130 varieties. You'll find numerous fragrant blooms here, with names such as Peace, Fourth of July, Black Magic, American Beauty, Iceberg, and Sunset, to name just a few. Mom and I stopped by.

Mom and I smelled every single rose in the garden. That's a lot of sniffin'.

It's fun to be pictured among flowers.

Garden Update 1

Last evening's harvest. There was a sweet banana pepper that was about 5 inches long that would've made this picture SO MUCH COOLER, but mom and I had already eaten it in the garden.



















Strawberries! Last time I had some ripening on this bush, some garden varmint stole them from me! I better figure out how to safe guard these sweet babies from theft! (When you only have one strawberry plant, every berry counts!)



















Passionflower vine (A.K.A., "Maypop") is growing! We added this trellis last night, so hopefully it will climb, climb, climb, and then BLOOM!



















This sunflower sprouted from birdseed. It's finally blooming!







Here's Mr. Don Juan. He smells the best.

Big Birthday

My brother turned 30. This is what it looked like:The Cool Whip was bubbling from the heat of those candles! He wouldn't tell us what he'd wished for, but I wouldn't be surprised if it were something along the lines of "Hurry up, this cake is melting!" Actually, I think he said that out loud.

Mt. Rogers

This past weekend, some friends and I went backpacking on Mt. Rogers in Virginia. It's very ugly there, and there's really nothing to see, so just tell everyone you know not to go there.

:)

I was really miserable the whole time.

Welcome to Our Garden

Our garden is doing so well that I wanted to show it off.

Sugar snap peas grow on the bean tower that mom and I strung up a few months ago. They do well on the western side, and not so well on the eastern. I think those fast growing westerners block the sunlight for those slower easterners, but that's ok.

Charley explores our sweet banana and jalapeno pepper plants, alongside of our zinnias. There are a few stray sunflowers in there, too, thanks to the nearby bird feeders (thanks, birds! Sincerely!)[Phil enjoys watching the progress of our garden as much as I do!]

Where is Big Sky Country again? And what's happening out on that river? And, also, why aren't our green beans flowering yet? The garden inspires thought.

Cucumbers! These will be plentiful! Homemade pickles make great Christmas gifts.

More sugar snap peas! They are so good right off the vine.

Here are our tomatoes and more peppers. This the main garden. Mom and I (with the help of our neighbor, Mr. Bise) constructed this raised garden a few years ago.

First jalapeno of the season.

Here comes a passion flower vine! [shoe for scale]. Stay tuned for this one!

Here is the patio behind our house. We have planters containing more peppers.

Patience

I haven't been running in a while. I got an MRI on my left shin to rule out stress fracture, and stress fracture was ruled out! So, I guess whatever's wrong with my shin can be lumped into the "shin splints" category. I have already kind of decided to just take the rest of the summer off from running, and just do other fun things to try to stay in shape. If I do start back, my new and improved mantra will be "patience is a virtue". (See one-year-old cactus seedlings below)

Cactus

"It is the plant of patience and solitude, love and madness, ugliness and beauty, toughness and gentleness. Of all plants, surely God made the cactus in his own image."

-Dr. Von Vollenstein from The Power of One, by Bryce Courtenay

I say "cactuses", not "cacti", and I think I'm allowed to do that. Pictured here are the cactuses that I started from seed. They have been growing for one year!!! [matches for scale]

Pictured here are the members of my little succulent garden, including moon cactus, alpenglow, elephant bush, Echeveria 'Dondo' and 'Ramillette'? - I could be wrong about these names, but that's what I think they are. And as long as they continue to be so enchanting, I'm thinking it doesn't matter what they're called.

Carolina Chickadee

While scrolling through my pictures today, I found this one that I took of a Carolina Chickadee (my favorite bird) sitting in the bird feeder I made in my first-ever pottery class. My camera is small enough to comfortably bring backpacking, but it has a 10x zoom, so I was able to get a great close-up of the chickadee. Although, if I remember correctly, I actually did get pretty close to him. I think he was hunkering down to keep warm on that cool December day (Christmas Eve 2008).

It's the month of May, I know...but speaking of Christmas...

...here is what our home looks like during the most wonderful time of the year:

It's fantastic.

ChiRunning

I am reading up on ChiRunning, and trying to learn how to run again. The goal is to run injury-free. I am signed up to run another Half Marathon (Hickory Charity Chase) on June 6, and I won't be ready in the way that I'd like to be ready, but I'm going to participate anyway (registration gets you two tickets to that evening's baseball game, afterall).

I'm tired of having shin splints - pain in my shin so severe that I have worried that my tibia is going to snap (I've seen a doctor about it - a sports medicine doctor, not a psychologist, although that might be the next best step:)). I've also had knee and foot pain, but nothing that compared, really.

ChiRunning teaches you to run with perfect posture and to lean into your run. You lean from your ankles while keeping perfect posture, relaxing your entire body, and using the backswing of your arms and legs to counter that forward lean. It's hard (because I'm not sure I know what I'm doing), but I think it will get better. I do feel like I'm starting all over again from scratch with my running, but I'm optimistic. I'm willing to try this because I really love running and am not willing to give it up without a fight. ...A gentle, prance-like fight, with good posture and a relaxed lean, that is.

I ran 4 miles on the high school track last night. Running on the track is infinitely more fun than running on a treadmill, but it still doesn't compare to Evans Street with it's unique homes, friendly faces, and blooming landscape. There was a couple with their child in a stroller out there with me on the track, run/walking. It was a nice time.

I am pictured here near the finish of the Yuengling Shamrock Half Marathon on March 22, 2009.

I'm so inspired by every runner I see out there! Run on!

Strawberry Escapades

I hiked Pilot Mountain by myself 3 or 4 years ago. And it was in broad daylight, but I couldn't calm my nerves or stop looking over my shoulder. It bothers me that I'm not comfortable hiking alone. Since I hadn't tried going solo in so long, I figured I'd try it again last Saturday on the Neusiok Trail. I got up early and packed my bag, planning to do a ~6 mile out-and-back from the parking lot on 306. I drove to the trailhead, locked up my car, and started on my way. I took the pepper spray out of my pocket and tried to practice spraying it, but it was empty (I thought a can of pepper spray in my pocket would comfort me - what does this mean? Something is not right here). I started singing a Patty Loveless song to calm my nerves and to make my presence known to any pesky wildlife (?...yeah, blame it on the wildlife. There were probably many reasons for the singing). I came to a large mucky puddle the width of the trail. I skirted around the edge of it and practically stepped on a snake! The snake was startled and fell off the side of the trail into a pile at my feet, so I screamed and jumped over it. When I looked back, it was coiled up and was shaking it's little tail at me. I tried to relax and calm myself down, but I couldn't stop myself from physically shaking, so I knew it was time to head back to the car. I had been on trail for roughly 5 minutes.

It's not really the wildlife that I'm afraid of; it's being alone and not having anyone to help make decisions that makes me nervous on the trail. The smallest things seem so much more amplified when you're alone, I have found. On this day, I tried very hard not to let myself feel defeated. It's much smarter to hike with a partner, and probably a lot more fun! Sometimes I think if I have to wait around for someone to do something with, I'll never do anything! This is not the type of thinking I want to buy into, but I fall into that trap sometimes. I turned the morning around by driving myself to a nearby garden center (which I wouldn't have otherwise driven to if I hadn't been out that way already) and got some special things that I needed. I also met up with my mom to pick strawberries at a Garner Farms. The morning was not a total wash! But, even without the garden center and strawberry escapades, I still wouldn't have called the morning a waste. It's important for me to test my boundaries sometimes and push myself just a little bit, to really learn where I stand. And I'm OK with where I stand.

Growing Season!

It's growing season here in Eastern N.C.! Our garden is in full-swing! We have planted sugar snap peas, green beans, peppers (jalapeno, sweet banana, and different varieties of bell), tomatoes (Beef Master, Better Boy, grape, cherry, yellow pear, Mr. Stripey, Celebrity, and an heirloom variety called Brandywine), pickling cucumbers, and basil. We also have a bed of zinnias (mere seedlings right now) and a sunflower coming up! I've also snuck in some celosia seeds where I can:) and am hoping those jovial accents of color and strangeness will pop up here and there this summer. I have also planted Passion Flower, in hopes that I will succeed in growing a vine and witnessing one of the most beautiful and alien-looking blooms of all! And, of course, we have about 7 rose bushes that are so beautiful and productive (we care not about black spot!!!)

Here is a picture of one morning's harvest last year, probably in late June or July. Once we establish a garden, my morning ritual can begin: I wake up around 6:00 or 6:15 each morning, brew my coffee, and make my breakfast. Then I head outdoors, coffee mug in hand, to water the garden. It's a very precious time before work, when early morning critters are out, and I can observe what's happening on the river and in the back yard at that hour. Also, it is a time when I can see what's new back there....are any of my plants flowering? Are any critters muching away at foliage? Is there anything for me to harvest this morning? Of course, it's not time to harvest anything quite yet (I always get ahead of myself this time of year, starting seeds indoors WAY too early, and sometimes transplanting the poor things outdoors too early, too!).

I shall miss this garden space after I leave.

One

I run. I think. I listen. I read. I garden. I sleep. I play. I try. I am excited. There's really no good reason for this. It's mainly 'cause I just wanna.